Oh and Sidenote...

Psalm 34

2010-08-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Wailua Falls

2010-07-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

I've been in Kauai for five weeks now. It is beautiful here. Rich green vines scale the highest of trees, water is clearer than an ice cube, and paradise beaches are in surplus. I have jumped off waterfalls, delighted in several Ono burgers, soaked up plenty of sun, started a new friendship, and been caught in silence as I do not have words to describe the beauty my eyes have seen. Things here are simpler. Time here is irrelevant. People here are easily satisfied.

As a visitor on the Island I have spent a lot of time observing the people of Kauai. They are patient and appreciative. Everyone here knows the splendor of what's around them. They sit at the beach with their families and stare at each wave as it crashes on the thick beady sand. When they are on the road the locals drive with no need to rush and they always make room for people to get in front of them. In the grocery stores they push their buggies in a relaxed pace. At church each person that walks through the door is met with a hug and a kiss. Sharing a meal is a way of loving one another. And taking care of the Island is a family thing.

This morning I got to stand next to a waterfall. When you first drive up to the location it is obvious it was made for tourists. There are a few local venders selling jewelry and banana leaf baskets while rent-a-cars wait for one of the seven parking spots. Once you park you walk about two hundred feet and there you are...right in front of your face...WATERFALL. Waterfalls are one of my favorite things in the world. I love that one moment the water is speeding through the air dodging rocks and steep hillsides and the next it is resting in a still pool surrounded by lush greenery. Every time I see a waterfall I cant help but ask God, "When you made this did you think...Dang, I'm Amazing?" I have yet to see a waterfall that didn't take my breathe away. I could have stood there all day.

I became bothered when I noticed something about the behaviors of the tourist. As I stood looking at the waterfall tourists came and went. They would walk up, take a few pictures, talk to each other and get back in their car. It was as if this waterfall was just something to check off their list of things to do. They were not even there long enough to notice the patterns of these beautiful white birds that flew around the pool of water at the base of the falls. The birds look like mini dragons protecting their families as they moved in large circles clearing out any other bird that came in their path. The water at the top of the falls came is gusts of four. The last gust was always the most alluring because its fall had more width and had more bass in its sound. I couldn't help but wonder why these people came to see the waterfall. There was no way they were able to appreciate it and all it was worth in just a few minutes. Then I wondered, is this how I live my life?

Do I live my life as if it is a check list? Am I missing out on appreciating the things God has put around me? Am I not taking enough time to see the ALL the beauty my life experiences have brought me? Why are people stressing out about worldly time lines? In what ways am I acting like a tourist in my walk with God? Am I going to church, reading my bible, giving God my prayer request and moving on to the next moment? Am I forgetting to stop and listen? Am I realizing that I can not understand the true beauty of the waterfall unless I study it and watch it and listen to it? Am I practicing patience or am I always ready for the next thing on the list?

I don't want to be a tourist. I hate being a tourist. Tourist stick out like sore thumbs, they always get lost, they always have a very limiting schedule, and they never are at their destination long enough to appreciate ALL its beauty. I don't want to leave a season or time in my life until I can appreciate God for it.

I want to see as much as His beauty as possible. I want to sit and listen to Him as long as it takes to hear His voice. I want to appreciate His creative design in me and others around me. I'm going to sit with God and let Him know I am going to be along side Him for a LONG time. I am here to stay. Experiencing Jesus is not something I will make time for once in a blue moon and I'll move in His pace. Jesus thank you for offering me your love and beauty for a life time!

Sky High

2010-06-15T18:42:00.001-07:00

I am miles into the sky sitting next to one of my best friends ready to embark on a 6 week adventure full of sand, sun, joy, and laughter. I plan on writing, dancing, celebrating, eating, and exploring. I have hopes of new vision, inside jokes, new friends, and plush prettiness. Six weeks in Kauai, Hawaii start now...I must be dreaming :)

I have a feeling that I am about to see life in a new light, a light like that of a light house. In other words in my later season of life i often felt like a wondering tug boat stuck between the calm warm rays of the dawn amidst a glimmering sea of wonders and the rolling wake that some how found a way to reflect blackness more than its own night above. As I teeter between both whereabouts I can see a light, squinting unnecessary, that draws me near. I am not sure what the house that holds the light will look like. Maybe it is brilliant red smack dab in the middle of a mustard field. Perhaps the house is milky with a soft blue trim that lines an aged yet vigorous stair case spiraling to the sky. Its appearance unknown seems to have no affect on my boldness in the one who stationed the light. Seeking the light seemed like a slow putter through the water until now. Now, as the light grows in radius I feel my heart beat quickly with anxiousness. I want to draw back to my wondrous ways. I fight anxious thought with eager actions. I will move toward the improved setting. God, to Your light house WE go!

As I look forward to a new season of life I thank God for all that has gotten me thus far. I thank God for vision in the midst of dryness, for hope in confusion, and for His presence in helplessness. He showed me how to love safely, wait with great patience, yield to His guidance, respect my self as He respects me, and grasp tightly to His endurance. Tight is an understatement. I am who I am because the Lord loves me and I believe it!

Continuing the theme of light houses I would like to share a poem from the season I am drifting from. My aunt Carrie recently past away at the young age of 38. She was a woman that loved her man with tenderness and fortitude. The man that loved her dearly had quite the fancy for light houses. His collection of light house art could overfill a decently sized room. In my watchfulness after her passing my heart ruffled as I noted his misery in his inability to feel her, touch her, and see her. I wrote this poem bidding to Jesus that my uncle could some how find his precious Carrie.

Light Blue Light House

I walk up higher and higher hoping with height I will be closer to you

Each step brings my heart to a heavy pump

A breeze covers me with a chill that makes me climb faster

As I seek new heights I know that you are waiting for me at the top

We will meet in the light blue light house

I arrive at our destination of remembrance and the air is crisp and cold

I know that you have been waiting for me patiently

I know that when I finally lift my head and open my eyes I will see you

As my feet slowly move I graze my finger against the window sill

The smooth frosty concrete will help me clench this memory

We will meet in the light blue light house

Standing next to the light that stretches to the east I feel your warmth

With a grip of hope my palms suction to the support of the lamp

I take in one last breath before I open my eyes to your beauty

No matter how deep, no breath of air is enough to prepare me for this moment

We will meet in the light blue light house

My head raises and there you are more beautiful than I could have imagined

You move gently across the sky like a beautiful moonlight dance

I see your sweet filled smile glisten amongst the hundreds of stars

My jaw is dropped with awe of how good you feel

Chills cover my body as I am staggered once again that you have found me here again

We will meet in the light blue light house

I stretch my hands out to your vast darkness and it comforts my depths

I would love to share with you my heart but the pain would waste our time

Remember the time we and the time we went, they keep me breathing

I want to feel your smooth soft arms and touch your soft lips, I will wait

This moment is about you and not me but know it will carry me forever

I thank you for your time my love; I know you will always meet me

Before I close my eyes to say goodbye know that Forever I love you

We will meet in the light blue light house

Jesus I love you for what's to come.

You Are Good

2010-04-18T23:50:00.000-07:00

I cry out...

For Your hand of mercy to heal me

I am weak...

I NEED Your love to free me

Oh Lord, my rock

My strength in weakness,

Come rescue me, oh Lord

You are my hope...

Your promise NEVER fails me

And my desire...

Is to follow You FOREVER.

For You are good

For You are good to me.

For You are good
For You are good
For You are good to me.

Genesis 50:19-20...

"But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

2010-02-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight I sit with my eyes closed and my right hand over my heart...not for the red, white, and blue...for Jesus :). Sometimes I can feel so much of God's love I like to think that if I put my hand on my heart and feel it pouring out of me it's like I'm holding hands with Him.

I am so in love with Him. I am tearing up as I say that. When I was little I used to tell God, "God, please be my best friend." I said it all the time thinking if I ask enough, one day it will happen. Well, here is the day. It came...Jesus is my best friend and I can’t stop crying like a cryer McCryerson. He loves me so much and I'm overwhelmed that someone would love me with such desire and dedication. In the past two years God has stopped me in my tracks, sat down, held me in His arms, and did not let go...not even for a second. He didn't even take His eyes off of me. He didn't make me go searching for Him. I just sat in His arms. I knew love like that existed but not for me.

I had built a steal wall so wide around my heart and mind that anyone who tried to send love through it was wasting their time. However, my steal wall was no task for my best friend. He straight up melted my wall with His love. For those of you who have loved me you know that my walls were stubborn, scared, and lacked trust. In the past two years God has performed miracle after miracle. More supernatural prayers than I know what to do with, visions that felt so real I could pinch myself in them and feel it after, new relationships that brought His promises, and conversations where His voice was so clear I would have to take a few double takes to see if He was there in the flesh.

Two years ago I told Him I was all in. I wanted to be healed. I wanted to be His. I wanted to feel Him the way He wanted me to. I kept focused everyday on my promises to Him. I listened, I loved, I waited, I prayed, I asked, I told, I cried, I laughed hysterically, I argued, I gave Him the silent treatment, I pouted, I praised, I danced, I sang, I screamed, I smiled and shook my head. He would tell me something I and I wouldn't believe it. He would tell me again. And Again. And Again. And then He would tell me in such a way I could not deny Him. A stranger would approach me at church, ask to pray over me and tell me an answer to something I asked in prayer the night before. Or a friend would call me because God told them something about me that I had never told ANYONE...they would pray over me and share with me His divine guidance. I would need many hands to count the amazing things He did for me. If I became nonchalant about anything He was telling me He would do something else crazy and over the top. He refused to let me believe anything other than the truths of His love. That is how much He loves me. How much He loves us. As I sat down and prayed this week God re-caped our last two years together. He reminded me of each time the Holy Spirit met me. He reminded me of each lie He replaced. He reminded me of each new truth that I must hold on to tightly. He didn't have to remind me how much He loved me. I have begun to understand His love for me. It's the most captivating thing I have ever come across. As He reminded me these things I knew...I knew it was time. It is time for me to be bold. It is time for me to take risks for both my best friend and myself. I don't get anymore supernatural moments for a while. Now I must trust. I must be bold.

I love God. I love that He is my best friend and I love how much He loves me.

As a new season is starting in my life I would love for you to join me :) Pray for me. Pray with me. Tell me your stories of boldness or invite me to be bold with you. I am excited and I would love for you to be excited with me. Also as an important time period in my life begins to close there are a few things I would like to say. I am deeply sorry for hurting people with my wall. I am sorry for pushing you away as you tried to love me. I am sorry for ignoring the fact that you were a blessing from God. I am sorry for all the silence, secrets, and always disappearing. I am sorry I did not acknowledge the power of receiving love and joy from you. Thank you for what you gave me even though I didn't always know how to give back. Thank you for loving me.

Here I go...on a journey of boldness, risk, and love with my best friend. I can't see what is ahead but I know it is good. And my fear of going is disappearing as I keep my right hand on my heart.

Praise Him :)

2010-01-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

Last night as I drove home from visiting a special family I found myself smitten for love songs. "You are the best thing" by Ray LaMontagne. "Your Smiling Face" by James Taylor. "I cant take my eyes off of you" by Lauryn Hill and my favorite song of all time "Tell me what we're gonna do now" By Joss Stone. I had my hands in the air (I am very good at driving with my knee) a smirk on my face, and enough joy to get me home faster than I preferred. I didn't bother to look at the people in the cars next to me...I just danced and smiled. Looking back I realize if I did look at the people next to me they might have been slightly uncomfortable as my smile was larger than the average and my eyes were filled with excitement...ok slightly creeped out. Anyways, as I was wrapped up in my daydreams of hugs and kisses I realized, "This is the best joy I have ever had". I even put my hand on my chest to feel it overflowing out of my heart. You know when someone gets you a gift that is so thoughtful and dear that you don't know how to show your appreciation so you put both of your hands, fingers wide, on top of one another and bring your shoulders forward and say something along the lines of "Really? For me?" That is how I felt. "God, really? For me?" I even found myself throwing up a incredibly cheesy thumbs up toward God and feeling completely normal about it.

I was reminded of the time Jesus said to us...

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and the greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

ALL the Law and Prophets! Wow! That means that everything we have learned of the Lord from the scriptures is under these two commandments. If there is something we are trying to grasp from scripture we must first grasp these two commandments. Ah! I love the simplicity of God! So as I have put all of my energy and focus into learning to love God, myself, and my neighbors I am starting to understand many other parts of scripture. If we remain in Him as he tells us to in the book of John we will be taken care of. He promises good things...not that we will see them in our life time here on earth...but we will have good things. Friends, I am experiencing this truth. I am keeping focused on Him and whether my world is good or not I am filling up with more peace each day. More joy each day. And its for sure God because the more I trust the more I feel and I can guarantee there is not a pump I can go hook myself up to to get peace like this!

I am also learning that the more I follow those two commands the less I worry about the desires of my heart. The less I have to dissect each desire to see if they are of Him or not and which ones are ok to ask Him for. The more I keep my focus on the commands of Love rather than my feelings and thoughts I am able to see/feel which desires God has/is placing His peace and joy in.

A very wise man once told me, "Where your greatest joy is, there the Lord is." I believe it! And last night in my car I felt it with every inch of my heart, soul, and mind. As I was drawn to dancing and fueled by the joy of the Lord I found myself smitten for love songs. I found myself forever thankful that God would love me so much that He would make it possible for me to feel how good He is.

"God really? For me? Thank you."

I am looking forward to my next drive :)

2010-01-14T19:15:00.000-08:00

Oh friends! I'm currently smiling so big you would think something is wrong with my face. I seriously have smiles for days :) I walked into the restroom at work today, with a smirk looked in the mirror, and started dancing. (praise God no one was in there)

things that could have....ok...definitly had something to do with my case of the smiles...

*sunny tank top days in winter
*sharing strawberries with Rhom, Maggie and Maryn as we dance in the car
*reminiscing about old adventures of running in the snow and catching a ferry in Seattle
*dancing to 80's music on a Tuesday night with people that bring out the moves I always knew I had...ha ha but really
*seeing happiness flowing out of the people around me
*hearing God speak through someone that felt miles away from Him
*understanding that I REALLY am who God says I am!
*seeing and feeling the goodness as I watch prayer carry me

Ugh! So Good I tell you. So good!

This is what I know: God did all the above. He did it because He delights in our joy.

Thank you God. Keep it coming :)

Impressing me once again...

2010-01-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

So confrontation is hard for me to swallow...much like it is hard for me to swallow the fact that it is now 2010! They weren't lying when they said time flies :) Anyway I have never been one to handle confrontation well. When it comes I use one of three strategies. 1. play peace maker 2. pretend it didn’t happen or 3. cry and not deal with it. 2 and 3 seem to keep most busy. As I am dealing with some tough things lately I have faced a new kind of confrontation, one that does not welcome strategies 1, 2, & 3. This would be confrontation with God. I have been abused in my life and with that comes a need/desire for healing and freedom from Christ. Until a few months ago I had dealt with the abuse with #2. Bad for business...I know.

Anyway, God called me out recently and said I HAD to deal with it NOW! There are a lot of ugly dark things I must face. Fortunately, at the end of each piece of darkness I am being met with heaps of Jesus light. This week my parents went on vacation for a few days and I had the house to myself. Tuesday night on my way home from work I was looking forward to renting a movie, cooking dinner, and sharing some joyful time with Jesus. However, before I could do any of that I was hit hard by a dark memory that brought me to tears. Something began to render my heart and I became troubled. I wanted to talk to God but I had nothing good to say. (and my mom always said if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all) I decided to let the memory come to the surface and see which part of it cause me disturbance. Immediately I knew. I cried even harder and with every bit of air I could gather while crying I shouted out to God… “Where Were You!?” “Where were you when I was being hurt? Where were you when I was helpless? Where were you when someone covered me in their darkness?”

There it was, confrontation of my heart. I had held those words in forever in fear that I would offend God. Embarrassed that I doubted He was always with me. Can you even offend Him? I don’t know. I told him that I felt abandoned. I asked Him with all of my curiosity and hope to show me where in that moment He was. I heard nothing. I cried more and began to feel incredibly helpless. I fell asleep that night wondering if there were going to be more times in my life God would disappear. I think all these years I was not willing to admit that I felt like God broke my heart through desertion in those dark times.

The next few days I reunited with strategy 2.

Then yesterday I was reminded of a great promise. I was reading and came across this…
No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the LORD.
Isaiah 54:17

I stopped in my tracks, read the first line, and with great hope asked God once more, “Where were you when I was being hurt?”
Jesus said, “Laurén, never have I deserted you.”
I read the verse again and again and again. “God where were you?”
Jesus said, “Laurén, never have I deserted you, read the verse again. The answer is there.”
“No weapon formed against me shall prosper…”

And then it clicked. An “aha” moment for my record books. “You have never deserted me. When I was being hurt your healing love had already covered me. You already knew the pain would be turned into your love. There is no existing pain that you cannot triumph over. Dang. ”

Crazy! The devil’s decision to hurt me and bring me into his darkness would eventually come back to kick him in the butt. His bad. Since this conversation with God He let me bless 2 people with comfort and hope from my painful stories. 2 people that felt abandoned and helpless…now walking with a bit of hope. Haha the devil hurt me and I turned to God. The devil hurt me and God brought hope for two people that would bring them closer to Him. All along God knew the devil was once again going to lose. Praise God.

I don’t have words that describe how thankful I am for this confrontation with God. How thankful I am to subsist in His freedom. This I do know: He is good. ALL THE TIME! He does not lie and the securities in His word of freedom and healing are indisputable.

Ah! So good!

2009-12-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas! Here is one of my favorite holiday songs...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEETviNu_VM

It just keeps getting better.

2009-12-24T14:48:00.000-08:00

I often find myself having to explain myself to people. I have to explain my heart for others. I have to explain things Jesus and I are experiencing together. I have to explain why I can never stop laughing. I have to explain why I am so guarded and not so soft around the edges. All this explaining sometimes gets old...I'm not sure why my life experiences don't always make sense or seem possible. Example:

This week I went to the podiatrist (foot doctor) because my foot was bruising pretty bad. I figured I would get a lotion or shot that would make it better and I would go on my way. But I seemed to forget this was my life I was dealing with so... The doc told me that there was an infection in my foot (yes I know the word infection grosses me out too). He said, and I quote, "My best diagnosis is that you never wear a shoe on your left foot again" Keep in mind he was dead serious.

Um Doc? Excuse me for a second. Who wears one shoe? Although I am most likely Mr. Flip Flops number one advocate I'm not so sure I am ready to let him join me in the snow, in the rain, when I go hiking, and the list goes on. What about the last 23 years I have worn shoes? The doc proceeded to tell me that a bone in my left foot is too large. Cool. If I want to wear shoes for the rest of my life I need to get surgery and shave the bone back. Really? Come on. How do I tell my friends this because it sounds so ridiculous. So ridiculous that my first reaction to the doctor was to laugh hysterically. I'm probably better off not telling anyone.

If you know me really well that story probably doesn't surprise you. :)

On a more serious note: In my life I have been surrounded by a lot of liars. People that lie about little things. People that lie about big things. My heart has always broken and my mind often frustrated each time I am with them because I can't believe anything they said. Their word had no value. I have noticed it takes more effort to lie than tell the truth. After seeing the unimpressive and unattractive personalities of liars and going through a rough experience as a child I learned that trusting people was too risky. In fact I became so worried about lying it became my biggest fear. It amazed me how one lie can turn into so many that people lose themselves, quickly. As this fear developed not only was it risky to trust, it was risky to speak. So much so that i didn't even share the simple things like my conversation with the foot doctor. You might be thinking that's crazy and I would agree, it is. Crazy because it is so far off from the life Jesus prepared for me. I became quiet.

In my wonderful meetings with K I have shared all my secrets...I don't know if you got the memo but that is a BIG deal! I am a secret keeper. Hello, my name is LaurEn and I am a major secret keeper. :) Well, not any more, thank God! In my past when I had a bad experience I would box it up, wrap it 4 times, duck tape it, and put it in the "Forget Me" isle of my memory. However, no matter how great my wrapping skills were God had a skill much more powerful...persistence. Even though I did not ever know how to receive it, God always brought me help. Even better...people I could trust.

I am pretty positive God chose a few people while I was at APU and showed them a glimpse of my heart. What they saw I am completely unsure. All I know there are a few people that whether they knew it or not they asked me the right questions. They sensed something broken in my heart. They sensed my loneliness. Maybe even sensed my desire for help. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to receive it. So if they sensed something I lied and told them I was fine. ha ha fine...what does that word mean anyway? I told them I had God and so I was good. And if I didn't tell them anything I avoided them.

Until the past month I never realized those people where God sending me help. I never noticed anything but the fact that I lied to them. Whether it was my mom asking me if something bad ever happened to me and I replied with a "No" or someone trying to find out why I was so guarded and I blamed it on something that clearly couldn't affect my personal walls...I lied to them. I was a liar.

The other day I was hanging out with K again. I told her about my feelings of remorse and disgrace I felt about those lies. I told her about my fears of sharing who I am with others in fear of them not believing me. I told her about my inability to receive love well. We prayed. We experienced spiritual warfare. We prayed more. In that time God cleansed my soul. He washed out my fear of lying. He washed out my fear of speaking. He made me see my life is perfect for sharing whether it is about my left foot or my hearts desires. He broke down my "trust no one" wall and began to open my eyes to those that love me with honesty. I didn't even have to explain to K how I was feeling. She knew. She knew what God did to my heart that night. It was mighty.

Jesus has a way of loving unlike anyone else I've known or heard of. He is redesigning the way I think, act, and love. He is the only one I know that could take the most ignoble moments of life and produce rapturous beauty. He is alive and active and this story is just a minor glimpse into his capability.

In the past few months I have learned more about Jesus, myself, and our life together that I knew was possible. These 3 things are monumental and changing my life:

1. My life is random, messy, and often nonsensical. That is perfectly okay.

2. The parts of my life God designed needs to be shared and told because my story reigns with His glory. And if you don't believe the truths of my life my only explanation (which personally I think is pretty dang good) is, "God did it". You are more than welcome to take anything up with Him. sidenote: Truths can be silly, meaningless, or serious.

3. Jesus loves me so much that He desires me. Let me rephrase that...I am desirable. He desires to help me when I'm lost. He desires to send me peace in the midst of chaos. His love is persist ant and he will keep showing up until I am ready to peal off the duck tape, unwrap my boxes and clear out the "forget me" isle. And when I am ready to do that He is there with His sleeves rolled up waiting to help.

2009-12-01T21:43:00.000-08:00

So a few months ago I decided to move home to dig myself out of my past...this is how I thought it would go....pray a bit, tell my story, pray a bit more, be healed.

this is how it really went...I was sitting @ church one night thinking about how I really had my life together. You may laugh but I really beleived it. Then a 26year old woman shared her testimony. I cried. I cried so hard it felt like people could see tears coming straight from my heart. I thought to myself, "her story is the one of the saddest stories I have ever heard". In that moment I felt a tug on my heart to go and talk to her...naturally I chickened out. For 4 weeks I would go to church and this woman would be sitting somewhere in between the speaker and I. (Keep in mind each week I tried to sit somewhere new to avoid her) Of course this was Gods way of telling me His patience is greater than my ability to avoid things. Finally, on the 4th week, I decided to get over my lame fear and introduce myself. I walked up to her and said "Hi my name is LaurEn and I heard your testimony the other night. I am pretty sure I am supposed to talk you." With a smile that lit up the room she told me she knew I was coming. What?! SHE KNEW! She said God told her when she shared her testimony someone would come for help. With excitement she got my number and said she would contact me to meet up that week. We have been meeting ever since :)

For privacy sake we'll call her K. The first time I met with K I shared my testimony with her. In fact I told her my whole life story. I shared with her things that made me smile and things that made me feel alone. Emotionless I shared an experience that was ugly and untouched, K looked me in the eye the whole time. She cried. I was uncomfortable and tried to avoid each tear. When I left our first coffee shop meeting I could not help but wonder why she was crying. All day my wonder filled me so that I asked Jesus, "Why was K crying about my life?" He then gave me one of the best moments of my entire life...Jesus said...

"LaurEn, that was not K crying. LaurEn, that was me. I cry for you. I am sad for hard things you have gone through. I am the first to hurt when you hurt."

That is my God. A God that takes care of me. A God that loves me. A God that meets me in moments to remind me I am something special. A God that sends someone to remind me the feel of His love.

That was the beginning of a long, beautiful, and trying road...

sidenote: Turns out my plan to dig myself out of my past was puny. His shovel is way bigger!

2009-11-12T17:30:00.000-08:00

I think I should call this blog "Dear Jenna" because you are the only one who reads this. :)

My neighbor has swine flu and I am tempted to walk into her house and swine up. I figure I should get it over with. Its everywhere. At some point I am going to get it anyway so why not have it while I am at home all day. This would actually be a bonus because when people ask me what I am doing with my life I could say I am home with the swine. This lets me avoid using my most commonly used phrase "job hunting". Today I desperately asked God to go into someones mind and tell them to hire me...even if they are a stranger...I don't care I just need a job. For a moment I thought I'll never get a job...I don't have enough connections. Pathetic if you ask me. Where is my patience and faith in God? Why did I not wake up rejoicing in the Lord. Why did I not thank God for a day with so much time to spend with Him? Why did I not pray over all of the applications and resumes I sent out? Why did I worry about how much money I have in my bank account? Why didn't I look at all the divine moments I have shared the past few months and realize they would not have happened if I had a job? Today I started my day as if I had never read the scriptures. As If I didn't know that Jesus made blind people see and cast demons out of the possessed. As if he didn't raise people from the dead and bring life to barren women. As if he didn't wash away every sin that has and will ever exist...here I am thinking He is not going to help me get a job...lame I know. These were shared with me...they will start my tomorrow :) You are welcome to share too!

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

2 Cor 5:7
We live by Faith, not by sight.

John 14:27
"Peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."-Jesus Christ

check out my rock

2009-11-08T22:49:00.000-08:00

I waited patiently for the Lord,
he turned to me and heard my cry
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire,
he set my feet on a rock,
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalms 40:1-3

enough said.

2009-11-07T10:44:00.001-08:00

Tonight the moon is staring at me. It has captivated me. I was supposed to go out with a few friends but I stepped outside and just like that the moon stopped me in my tracks. A tear filled my eye as I was sure that God set up this meeting with the moon. I didn't move. I sat and stared at the moon. This is how I have felt the last 17 months. Only it is not the moon that has stopped me in my tracks it is LOVE.

I used to think about going to the World Series, eating as many strawberries as I could, visiting friends around the world, being a missionary in South America, and becoming the best dancer in the world. I used to ask God for help with my homework and good places to go for walks. I used to write poems about world issues, my friends and family, and God. I thought about how I could get a free quesadilla at cougar walk for lunch and should I buy yellow or red vans. I have always been the friend that thinks up the good date and gift ideas for my friends and their boyfriends. I was good at encouraging my friends in their romantic relationships but never thought of having my own.

Something has taken over my heart and the only word I could think of to properly describe this transformation is peculiar. Today I thought about dancing with my future husband in our kitchen. (note: “future” considering I don’t actually know who he is yetJ) I think about all the places around the world I want to see with him. I pray for him everyday. I pray for his family, his relationships, his love for our Lord, and his purity. I pray that he would be passionate and gentle, adventurous and mature. That he would love me the way God created a man to love me. I write love poems! What the heck! They run through my head all the time and as much as I say that’s gross they make me smile. I think of great wedding ideas, gift ideas for him, and cute things to whisper in his ear. At least once a day I smile because I am excited to love him. At least once a day I feel the need to dance in excitement of having someone that is going to love me for the rest of my life. I think about kissing him and laughing with him. “What is wrong with me God?” I ask so often. “Why am I so mushy and lovey dovey?” I say with a confused look. “Just wait. Enjoy it.” He says back to me in a peaceful smile.

My new thing is to sit, with my head in the clouds, captivated by how charming and powerful God’s love is. That one day I will get to share that with someone here on earth. Pretty spectacular if you ask me. I think this moon is growing on me.

2009-09-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

Pockets
I have hope falling out of my pockets
It feels good like warm sand in the summer
It sooths like hot chocolate when I’m sick
It consistent like the blooms on my mother’s orchids
Hope comes and never goes
I hold it close to me and when I have too much to hold
I put it in my pockets
Hope is a good flashlight in the dark
Through my hope I meet the sky
It shines bright enough to lead the way
The way to what one asks
Only the sky knows
With my hope in the sky and my hope in my pockets I am content
I have city hopes, laughing hopes, writing hopes, and loving hard hopes
My hope sees what I cannot
It gets me through the minutes and sometimes through the years
My hope is not momentary
Nor does it cease
My hope is falling out of my pockets-LB